Letting go and giving in…

I guess, if you think about it, we all have trouble letting go.  Especially when what you are leaving behind is better than where you are currently.   I learned some news today that hit me particularly hard.   Like a punch in the stomach from a foe I thought I’d long since vanquished.  Frustrating as it may be for you, dear reader, that news is not mine to tell, but just know this want-to-be writer is devastated by it.

This presents a unique opportunity for self-reflection and reassessment of what I thought the future would hold for me.  The fantasies I guess I thought subconsciously would become reality, even if I didn’t realize it.  The final chapter has changed, you could say.   The way I thought the play would end at my curtain call is now black to me.  I realize how strongly I believed in this false future now, even though I didn’t know it.  I realize now how powerful our secret hopes and thoughts, even the ones we don’t talk about to ourselves, in the little corners of our subconscious mind, hidden away like an old action figure in the closet or a blanket that comforted us as children are.   How they can shape our decisions, how we treat others, as we guide ourselves in autopilot toward that destiny we’ve created for ourselves and the impact that can have on our reality when the illusion is shattered.

So, after that pleonastic description I’ve used about how I feel, knowing now what I didn’t 24 hours ago, I have to face the fact that I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen to me.  Where I’ll be in 5 months, 5 years…  I guess the only certainty if I continue on the path of 5 is decades…  I am quite sure in 50 years I will be gone from this earth and these words will only be seen by a curious loved one or perhaps a great-grandson or a sleuth of a great-great-grand-daughter.

So, for the reader now, in my time, or the loved future relative or even the wanderer of history who stumbles upon this melancholy of infinite sadness (look it up, you can thank my dead ass for some great tunes from the 1990’s)…   I can only impart these words, wisdom not guaranteed, but what I know for myself to be true…

Don’t take the moment you are living in now, right now, as you read this, for granted. Think long and hard and with discernment on the decisions you make and how they may affect the future you desire and be honest with yourself about what it is you really want from your life and how you see your final moments in this play that never ends, but sadly you only get a short time as a character in.


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